Sundays
by C'estMoiLuna
Summary: A friendship fic set after church on Sunday with Ronan and Adam. Adams past is ever constant, now he starts to realise how it effects him. Warnings for suggested self harm and abuse, and for language (Ronan)
**Sundays**

It was a usual Sunday habit now, The two boys sitting in Adams room above the came up after the service, letting himself in to wait till Adam finished his shift, and together they would study or talk or just sit in a comfortable silence. It was a much needed peaceful reprieve from the boys stresses.

Today though, Declan had been pushing Ronan's buttons, which had him on edge for a fight. "Sorry for asking!" Declan spat. He had seen Ronan worrying a fresh, long, scab on his arm and assaulted him with questions about it. It wasn't self inflicted though, not the way Declan thought it was. The whole ordeal provoked the middle brother to storm up to Adams room, lashing out on the door as he entered.

He threw himself on the chair and tried to calm down. Head in his hands and slumped against the table, he looked defeated. His guard completely down as he grasped at threads of rationality. It was his brother, of course he'd be concerned and it wasn't Declan's fault he would never understand. Ronan was thankful that at least Mathew was kept out of it.

Adam came home to find Ronan, as expected, reading over Latin notes. It was usually up to Adam to persuade the taller boy that other subjects mattered too. Surprisingly, he listened. Their arrangement worked well because of this, Adam wouldn't nag like Gansey did, he'd just slide maths equations or what in front of Ronan every so often while he worked through his own. Ronan seemed to understand that if he did it now, he would avoid his brothers (and Ganseys) lectures about school. Adam understood him. That was a dangerous thought.

This morning, however, there was a distinct lack of music being forced out of tiny earphones, and a lack of sarcasm in Ronan's welcome. Adams cheerfulness had received a disgruntled reply. Worry began to snake its way through Adam. Ronan had been acting differently in the last while, gentler and calmer, but something recently had flicked the switch again and the boy had began slipping back towards destructive. He pushed through his doubts and went to wash up. When Adam came back, he caught sight of the talon marks along Ronan's arm. They weren't from chainsaw though, these looked like they had come much closer to cutting arteries. Adam knew this was a touchy subject but this was his friend, he had to try and help.

"What's up?" He tried, tentatively. There wasn't a reply. He walked round to beside the bed, "tell me what's going on..."

When Ronan still said nothing Adam felt anger rise slightly in him. "If you think I'll leave you alone when there's the issue of you..."

"What?" Ronan spat, not looking up, "of me what?"

"You..." Adam faltered.

"Of fucking killing myself? Of dreaming my death and not waking up?" Ronan was on his feet now staring straight at the smaller boy. "Do you not think I know how fucked up that is? Or perhaps Parish missed the memo that I have dealt with this my whole fucking life?"

Adam watched in silence as Ronan's frustrations boiled. He should never have asked, he had to undo this, explain himself. Ronan had his back to him now.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to help, I..."

Ronan couldn't listen to his apology, all he could think of was the claws, the ticking, the pain, the blood. He didn't want to re-live it, he wanted to get away from it.

"Its not something I want to sit and bitch about Parrish! I don't need a bloody talk! What could you do anyway!?" At that he spun round, throwing his arms out in exasperation. Adam flinched back, sharp enough his leg knocked the bed. His eyes were squeezed shut, hands balled up by his sides.

Ronan's anger flew from him. "Shit" he took a step and closed the gap between them, Adams neck sunk a little more into his shoulders.

"Shit... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Adam felt arms around him, he scrambled to find his voice. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha..."

"Shut-... shh..." Word choice Ronan - he reprimanded himself. How could he have shouted like that? What kind of friend was he to forget?

"Its okay, it's my fault, I knew it would upset you, I asked anyway, I'm sorry..." Adam began muttering, pushing out of Ronan's arms. Ronan put one hand on the back of the smaller boys head and pulled him closer to himself without a second thought.

"Stop it. Come here, just... Come here." Adam stopped struggling. "It is not your fault. Everything will be okay - you'll be okay." Ronan assured, remembering reciting similar words to Mathew. He hoped they would have the same calming effect. For a minute he thought they had, but Adam pushed back and stepped away, Ronan's arms fell to his sides.

He couldn't let Ronan mollycoddle him, he was being ridiculous, it was an over reaction, he was fine really. "I'm fine, I'm okay, I don't need you to... I'm fine." His face flushed with embarrassment. He watched Ronan stand before him, eyes closed, take a deep breath in, as if gathering strength. He clenched and unclenched his fist, just once, gently. Adam assumed he was trying to calm his anger, why had he provoked him, he couldn't just leave his friends be, he had to interfere, always...

"Adam," Ronan opened his eyes, "you don't have to be okay. You don't have to be fine. You can be upset, you can be angry, you can be hurt." He swore gently under his breath, "You shouldn't have to be scared." He took hold of Adams shoulders, "You can't keep blaming yourself for things you didn't do. Other people fuck up, not you."

Ronan closed his eyes again, and spoke barely above a whisper "You matter Adam, you're important. Care about yourself. Its not about goddamned pity."

Adam shut his eyes, the words sunk in... His father had left lasting marks on him, more than just bruises. He didn't know how else to handle things, it was easiest for everyone else if he said sorry and took the blame, but that wasn't easy on him. No one had told him he mattered, he hadn't meant anything, he was nothing... but maybe he was wrong.

Adam slumped onto the bed. It was as if the mental realisation had taken all his physical strength away from him. Unsure of what to do, Ronan sat down next to him and hugged the now crying boy again.

So they had studied, and talked and sat in a comfortable silence that Sunday, as usual. Each of them finding comfort and a little bit of peace in the other.

AN: Hope you liked this, first fic :) I'm for Pynch all the way but I like to think there would be a lot of moments of them together just as friends first.


End file.
